Teh Awsum Academi
by The Flamers
Summary: The hot Cullens rule the school and boring Bella will never dream that hot, sexy Edward will look twice at her. But he does! There was a sign on her back. They fall in love, but Bella has problems. PARODY of bad fanfictions
1. Teh Mss Murd3r

Bella stood in the kitchen, stirring the food cooking on the stove when she heard a door slam.

Uh oh, she thought, Charlie is home.

Maybe if she pretended to be in pain, to have unnatural fits or something like that, the author would stop forcing Charlie to beat her in order to make her life seem dreary and pitiful. But, no, that was too much to hope for because in a second she was slammed to the ground, with a bump forming on her head.

"Why?!" she screamed, though she already knew the answer.

"Stop being depressed," he grunted, "it's bad for my image. Also, stop looking like you mom. I hate her. Die, (censored). " Charlie kicked her in the shins because he believed that beating her would make her less depressed.

"Well, that and the author is making me do this to make your life seem dreary and pitiful," he added thoughtfully, before bashing her head into the counter, which was not so thoughtful. The last thing Bella felt before losing consciousness was the blood pooling beneath her.

Bella woke up hours later, still lying on the floor. Thankfully, and oddly, no bones were broken and no swimming pool of blood was under her. She got up, and immediately spotting dirty dishes, made her way toward them. Bella just could not tell anyone even though would be put Charlie in jail and she would never be beat again.

After getting all her bags and cleaning herself up, she went outside. She was walking to school, and it had conveniently started raining and the sidewalks were all mucky. When she arrived at school, her sweatshirt and pants were soaking. Keeping her hood up to hide her bruises, she made her way through the hallways. Some people looked at her oddly, some laughed, but she kept her head down. She couldn't tell the teacher, when she passed by her, that she was being abused. The teacher would have gone to the principle's office, it would have been reported, and she would live with Renee and Phil. Charlie would be gone, he wouldn't be able to beat her for telling. But still, she just could not tell.

Suddenly, Bella was called to the principle's office. She trudged there slowly; it couldn't be anything good. And she was right. Though that was not a good thing.

The principle looked sad. She couldn't look happy because she just got new school equipment; she had to look sad for this girl.

"I am sorry to say," the principle began, but was stopped by the boring girl before she could continue.

"Look, I know you're not sorry, could you skip this nonsense and move on?" Bella interrupted. (It looked better if she were the impatient and indifferent type. And so Bella said that, though normal Bella would have been pale and shaking dreading the ill news.)

"Fine." The principle tossed her head in the air and Bella watched as it fell back onto her neck with a thud. "Jacob Black just died in a car accident and your parents are on their way here."

Bella was heart-broken. She was now in the depths of mourning, and so she bawled her eyes. She fled out of the room into a bathroom stall, where no one could see her even though fifty students did as she ws passing by. Anyways, Bella could only think of her poor friend's death- not at all about her parents coming to get her and how she would no longer be beaten. Well, now, she just did start to think about that. Or at least until the author intervened hastily, panicking.

"Ms. Swan! The principle would like to see you… Again…" a magical voice called out.

It can't be anything good, Bella thought bitterly.

But Bella forced herself to go back to that dreaded office. There the principle was, her feet propped up on her desk and playing the role of the evil principle, even though a second ago she was perfectly nice.

"Ah, Bella, you're here. That's good… But this news isn't. We've received another call, your mother, Renee, and her husband, Phil, have just died in a plane accident," she said, uncaring, and looking at her perfectly manicured nails that did not exist a second before.

Now Bella was shocked, literally, for a bolt of lightning hit her, but she was too selfless too care. If another bolt of lightning hit her, it couldn't be worse than the pain of her familys' and friend'd death. First Jacob, then her parents died less than a day apart? Bella ran out in the hallway and out the front doors. She didn't' stop running until she was in the middle of the forest, surrounded by the trees that weren't protecting her from the rain.

The tears started pouring down her face. And she cried, cried for her parents, for her friend Jacob.

Suddenly, she stopped. Crying for them wasn't going to help them. She had just realized she was a character in a bad fanfiction! Jacob wasn't killed in a car accident! He was murdered. Murdered by the author. And her parents' deaths weren't accidents either! They, too, were murdered. All because the author wanted her life to be dreary and desolate! Because the author couldn't afford for her to be logical and get herself out of this mess! Of course, there are always flaws in bad fanfiction, and many flaws in this one. All she had to do is-

_Crack__!_ Lightning had struck a tree and fell on her, crushing all her bones. The lightning she had thought would not cause her as much pain as her friend's death. She didn't think so now.

This was very unfortunate, because she couldn't remember what she had been thinking anymore- she was again clueless Bella. She couldn't remember the author had murdered her family or that the author had caused the tree to fall. And, then again, having a tree fall on you isn't very fortunate either.

When she got home, polices were surround her house. Of course, there is nothing called polices, but it was a new job the very evil Author, eviller then the principle with nails, decided to invent. One of the polices approached her sadly, even though he just won the lottery, and it's impossible to approach someone sadly, but he did. It is a talent the polices' have. The police looked up to Bella, even though he is taller than her, and said, "Bella, your dad died because of drunk driving. He was drunk driving because your mom died and wanted to suicide."

Ignoring the fact her father abuses her and hates her mom from some reason, Bella started to sob as hard as the rain, which is impossible, but alas, being the poor heartbroken girl, she did. Tears were streaming down her face like streams, and she could barely see through them, even though tears are clear. The polices watched in pity and horror (mostly in horror) as the girl broke down right in front of them, even though she was still standing upright!"How did you know?" Bella cried. "How did you know he was drunk driving because of the death of my mom? Are you stalking us?" And with that, Bella ran into the forest, tears still streaming down her face in streams. Streams like the rain, that is.

**A/N: Julianna and I both wrote this chapter together. This is a parody of bad Twilight fanfiction and will include horrible things we read on fanfiction. If you see a really bad fanfiction, send it to us! We will flame it or make a parody of it! Or you can help us rid fanfiction of awful fanfiction by flaming them! If you have any requests, ask them any ideas, tell us. Because we will be glad to answer them. Be sure to read the next chapter! -Lydia**


	2. Teh Happy Place

The Happy Place Where Sad People Go

The polices eventually found poor, poor Isabella, and they told her she now owned her parent's money, but she couldn't use it for reasons the author could not explain. Isabella would if be forced to move to orphanage to live at for the rest of her life- because that is of course how orphanages work. A few days later, for the author was too lazy to type the details Bella was in Happy Hooligans Orphanage. She stared sadly at a happy yellow wall which was suppose to make her happier, but she wasn't being made happier because of this unhappy, redundant sentence. Plus, Bella couldn't figure out if her name was really Bella or if her name was actually Isabella. Isabella thought that the wall ought to be painted a dark blue to represent her dark mood, instead of happy yellow.

Bella saw a random sharp, blunt, self contradicting knife from all the way across the room, because she obviously had her own room and perfectly impossible vision to spot random objects. Isabella randomly decided to act emoly (another new invention by The Author) and strode across the room to pick up the knife, so she did, and then randomly put the blade on her skin. The redundancy of that redundant sentence made Bella even more sad in the happy room, so she decided to abuse herself the way Charlie once abused her.

The thought of her deceased, abusing father made her cry, and Isabella's tears fell all the way down to the knife, the weight of the tears making the blade slip and press into her skin. Bella immediately became happy again her happy room, because cutting your wrist accidentally always made depressed people happy. Isabella then decided to write depressing poetry to top of her emoly actions, so she did.

_They always leave me,  
I don't know why,  
I can barely see,  
'cause they always die._

Bella beamed happily in her happy room with happy yellow walls, staring happily at her very unhappy poetry. She began to hum her poem, realizing that she could turn the poem into a song, and that she could be come a cool rockstar with an unpopular alter-ego. Unfortunately, Isabella found out that rockstars could never cut their wrists, which she was currently doing, so she could never be a rockstar. She began to cry thickly again, for she is very thick-headed, and the tears dripped in to her cuts, making the cuts hurt more and making her contradictorily happy.

Bella then, suddenly, quickly, and a bunch of other pointless adjectives, began to lose blood. She started to cry more, because she didn't want to die and was too young to give up her soul for eternity. However, before Isabella could finish her train of thoughts, she fainted dramatically and unnecessarily.  
When Bella woke up, she was surrounded by a not very concerned person, who looked at Isabella concernedly. "WHY DID YOU CUT YOURSELF REPEATEDLY WITH A KNIFE?" the lady yelled. "WHY AM I HAVING SO MANY MOOD SWINGS?! WHY DO I TALK IN ALL CAPS? AH! I HAVE CAPSLOCKERIA!"

"I don't know," Bella cried, crying. She threw herself at the lady and hugged her, and started sobbing all over the lady. "Why do they always leave me? I don't know why! I can barely see! Why do they always die?" she sang sadly. The old lady, who was now grouchy because she was suddenly turned old, almost fled and left Isabella out of fright. The old lady took a deep breath and tried not to run.

"Missus Swan, because you cut yourself, we are sending you to an academy to keep you from cutting yourself."

"But won't I, as the poor unpopular girl, be mocked and try to cut myself more because of my poor social status?" The author and her beta immediately started sweating and called for a better, meaner, older, lady.

"I don't care Missus Swan, don't be such a hooligan! You're going to Teh Awsum Academi, the bill's already payed by the author, our two hundred dollar books and clothes have already been bought, so go!" With that, the evil old lady pushed Bella out of the happy orphanage with happy rooms with happy yellow walls.**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: We don't own the Horrible Twilight.  
A/N: This Julianna, and I wrote this chapter, so I apologize for the delay. Lydia's chapter is coming soon! The formatting is kind of messed up right now, so I'm sorry if this chapter is hard to read.**


	3. Teh Awsum Academi

**A/N: This will probably really annoy you. Please do not repeatedly use the same adjective over and over again. It's annoying.**

**Chapta 3: Teh Best Idea Eva!!!**

Due to the author's laziness, the interesting details of Bella's flight from Forks to the private island are not recorded in this story. Why would you write about how Bella nearly missed the plane and had her phone stolen when you can write about how hot and perfect Edward looks like? And how perfectly perfect he is, with his such perfectly perfect looks, his perfect personality that no one knows because they are to busy looking at his perfectly perfect face, and his perfectly perfect perfection.

Bella, with only eighty dollars to spare and a small suitcase, sat on a bench yet still lost in the depths of deep, deep, deep, deepest despair. Her deceased father had been aboosive and her dead mother and dead step father had never cared about her, only their sex.

As well as being witty, charming, sensible, caring, and nice, Bella was stunningly beautiful. Her hair was a soft and beautiful brown, her skin as white as the purest snow, her figure was striking with curves in all the right places like Kelly Brook's but better, and her eyes were delicious, warm dark chocolate infused with caramel and a touch of almonds. (Her eyes looked so delicious that many unfortunates tried to eat them, only to be stopped by the polices before further harm could be done.) But like most girls in the same pickle, Bella knew she had to wear an ugly brown wig, huge nerdy glasses, colored contacts, and keep pillows under her clothing to hide her beauty as her beauty was the cause of all her problems. It was then that without turning around, Bella noticed she was sitting right in front of a pillow shop though her back was facing it.

Bella stood up and entered the pillow shop. In the shop, she searched for two small pillows. Eventually, she found them and bought them for exactly twenty dollars.

Right next to the pillow shop was a wig shop. Bella quickly stuffed the pillows up her clothing and entered the next store. There, she bought the ugliest and most mousiest brown wig she could find for another exact twenty dollars. She rammed the wig onto her head and hid stray hairs under it. After she left, Bella pondered where she could buy glasses. She couldn't buy big, nerdy glasses at the glasses store in front of her because the glasses they sold were ugly. So, she decided to buy them from the glasses store next to the ugly glasses store.

Bella crossed the street and walked into the shop. In the back corner of the room sat the ugliest, nerdiest glasses Bella had ever laid eyes on. As they were perfect for her, Bella bought it for another exact twenty dollars as most glasses cost around that much. Happy since she had left the orphanage, Bella placed the glasses as far down as she could on her nose.

Next, Bella walked by two more stores before finding a shop where they sold colored contacts. Luckily, she had just enough money for a brown pair that was not so ravishing as her own and bought it for exactly twenty dollars.

Done with her shopping, Bella went back to the bench where she had been waiting for the bus. The bus came thirty seconds later, and Bella boarded the bus that required no payment and would lead to Teh Awsum Academi.

Bella picked a seat in the far back of the bus and stared at the shops lined up along the streets.

Thirty minutes later, the bus came to Bella's stop. Bella got off and rolled her suitcase along. She entered the building and searched for the main office. Spotting it, she headed in that direction.

A lady with flaming red hair and narrow glasses sat at the desk.

"Excuse me, I need the key to my room. My name is Isabella Swan," Bella informed her. The redhead rummaged through her file cabinet and produced a file. Handing Bella a few sheets of paper and a key, she said,

"Okay, here is everything you need." Bella thanked the lady and left.

With her nose stuck in the papers, Bella walked down the hallway. Up the stairs, down more hallways, turning left and right, Bella finally reached her room. She knocked on the door hesitantly, feeling very shy of her unknown roommate.

The door opened and Bella's mouth opened in shock. Standing there was the hottest boy Bella had ever seen. He had deep emerald eyes, so deep you could lose yourself in them. (In fact, a girl got lost in them and never found of again. So the polices put a warrant on Edward stating one could not look in his eyes for over a minute, in fear another one might become lost.) His bronze hair stuck up cutely, and his face was the face of a greek god.

"Hello?" The boy asked.

"Who are you??" shrieked Bella.

"I'm Edward-"

"But why are you in my room?!"

"Your room? WHAT?!"

"I KNOW! What will we do??" Bella panicked, "I mean, we can't tell anyone we're sharing a room!"

"There's no way we can tell the teachers," Edward agreed, "They would only make helpful suggestions and talk to the principle about it."

"Yeah, why would we want that?!" Bella agreed.

"And we can't go to the principal; he would definitely solve the problem."

"You're right, it is too risky," said Bella, shaking her head. "I guess we'll be roommates the rest of the year."

"And you needn't worry about me raping you; you're far too ugly and for me to even think about fucking you," Edward reassured.

"That's great!... I'm afraid I've been raped enough my life as it is," Bella remarked sadly.

"That poor man... What he must have been thinking..." murmured Edward. "Here, you ugly blight next to me, let me take your suitcase for you," said Edward, very kindly.

_How kind of him to offer to carry my suitcase! _"Thanks."

Edward's and Bella's dorm was spotless, if you didn't count the polka dot wallpaper. Bella's bedroom was exactly the same as Edward's; blue and gray. Connecting their two rooms was a bigger room which was a living room/kitchen/dining room.

Edward soon left Bella alone to go join his friends in their rooms. Bella was left alone in with her grief and regret that she looked ugly to that perfect creature. She starting sobbing. Hard. In the face!

A few minutes later, Bella forced herself to stop crying. She dried her eyes and decided to explore the school.

* * *

**A/N: Hey, people. Julianna wrote the last chapter, so I wrote this one. Hope you enjoyed it.**


	4. Teh Ball 1!

Bella was just about to step outside when an incredibly lovely fairy-like girl danced in. She was very small with short and black hair.

"Shit, you are like totally hot!"

Bella gasped. She looked down. Her magical tears, the one that made her knife slip, had made her disguise disintegrate! **_(A/N: I WAS GOING TO STOP HERE, BUT I DECIDED NOT TO.)_** Her life could be ruined. Oh no!

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" she dramatically cried. The girl rubbed her shoulders soothingly as Bella began to cry again.

"Ohemgee! Like, why are you crying?! And why are you in my brother's room?"

Isabella's tears were soon beginning to dry up when she realised her name had been changed once more. Her eyes started tear up again when the fairy girl stopped rubbing her shoulders and gave her a great big hug. "Don't cry, sweetie! We can be BFFL+E's **(Best Friends For Life and Eternity) **and everything will be better!"

"Okay! My name is Isabella- or Bella. I don't know! What shall we do now?!"

"Make-out- I mean, make-up- of course! Then, I'll torture you by forcing you to dress up for no apparent reason!"

"Okay, Alice!" said Bella. Nobody noticed Alice hadn't introduced herself yet. "Wait, am I suppose to like that?" she added.

Alice began to suffocate Bella with makeup, until Isabella cried, "Alas, Alice, you cannot make me lovely, else my life will be forever ruined! Oh, Alice, be a dear and allow my secret to remain one." Bella said with an odd accent, for some reason.

**EPOV**

Edward wanted to bang someone. He supposed he could always for his slutty girl friend Tanya, but Tanya was on a trip somewhere in Hawaii.

"Hey Edward!"

Edward's deep, deep thoughts that were deeper than the ocean abruptly stopped and he turned to the source of the voice. It was one of his brothers, Emmett, with Jasper. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper were triplets. Emmett and Jasper dated the twins, Alice and Rosalie, who shared a room. Edward sighed. Their lives were perfect while he was destined to forever be a loner in California, partying every night.

"Hey, bunk-buddies! What's up?" Edward asked. Several people turned.

"Nothing... you?" said Jasper.

"I want to bang someone."

Emmett waggled his eyebrows. "Oooh... who is it?"

"I don't know," Edward replied.

"Hm..." Emmett pondered. "I got it!"

"What?"

Quickly, he whispered to Jasper his idea, who was nodding in agreement. "That's a great idea, Emmett!"

"What??" Edward repeated.

"We have a bet," Emmett explained. "If you can find a hideous girl and persuade her to get a make-over and then have sex with you, then we will each give you one-thousand dollars because we have that kind of money lying around."

"I'll take that bet. Hurray! Who should I pick?"

"I don't know. Someone random." Jasper suggested.

"I got it! I'll just bang that chick who shares my room." Edward said. No one questioned what he said.

**BPOV**

Her new BFF, Alice Hale, she later learned, had a twin sister named Rosalie. Or Rose. Immediately upon meeting her, Bella questioned if she ever found it depressing to have two names. Rosalie did not answer. Bella took that for a yes.

Bella chose to confide in Rosalie and tell her her darkest secret. Rosalie swore to not tell anyone, so all three girls hooked arms and skipped off to show Bella the rest of the school, BFFFL+E's. **(Best Female Friends For Life and Eternity)**

-

The next day, Isabella Swan was woken very early in the morning by a very excited Rosalie.

"Come on, Bella! We have to show you something!"

Rosalie began to pull her arms in attempt to get her on her feet to which Bella responded with sleepy mumblings.

Rosalie tried again: "Oh, get _up_**, **Bella!"

"Oh, fine..." Bella groaned. Groggily, she climbed out of bed, reaching for a bathrobe to cover her pyjamas. Edward was not there. Bella was a little disappointed he was not present so she could smell his god-like scent. But there was his pillow... But she was roughly pulled out of her dreaming by Rose when she tugged her abruptly along.

Several doors down the hallway Bella could see students, and mainly girls, crowding around a bulletin board. Alice was there as well, and spotting Bella and Rose, waved frantically at them to come see.

Upon reaching the steadily growing crowd, Alice and Rosalie dazzled their way to the front of the crowd. Soon, they could see the cause of the excitement.

_"Annual Masquerade, September 9th"_

That is two days before school starts, Bella thought. So, in a couple days!

"Oh shit," Rosalie swore. "We have to go shopping today, then! And we'll get our make-overs tomorrow."

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh," Alice breathed. "WE GET TO GO SHOPPING! I like shopping," she explained to some frightened-looking girls.

_"Who? Juniors & Seniors_

_"What? Masquerade_

_"When? September 9th, from 8:00 PM - 12:00 PM_

_"Where? The Ballroom_

_"Why? It's a tradition_

_Students are required to wear dress clothes and encouraged to wear masks, though masks are not required._

"A masked ball! This is so exciting!" said Rosalie as they walked away from the crowd toward Rosalie's and Alice's room.

"Yeah," Alice continued enthusiastically, "I know the perfect dress I'm going to wear. Hey, Bella, what will you wear?"

Bella's spirits immediately dropped. "It doesn't matter. No one would dance with me anyway," she said dully.

Alice suddenly stopped. "Wait! I have the perfect idea!" Lowering her voice, she told them her plan.

"Oh, Alice, that's a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Rosalie. "Bella you have to do it!"

Bella hesitated before she gave in: "Alright."

* * *

I apologize if you did not like it. I tend to ruin the story when Julianna is not here to stop me. Note that the author's note was there because we've found many fanfiction writers disrupt the flow of the writing (if it even had a flow). Tell me what you think!


	5. Teh H0ttness

**Chapter 5: Teh H0ttness : By Lydia**

x

**_Two days before the masquerade..._**

It was the afternoon and Edward, Emmett, and Jasper were sprawled across the floor, their eyes intently focused on the flat-screen TV against the wall. Except for Jasper, that is. His eyes were focused on the book in his hands, which was about the mechanization of agriculture.

"Hey, Jazzie-kins! Did ya hear about the dance?" Emmett said in an unnaturally high voice.

"Who did not?" Jasper said.

"Who are ya going to ask?"

"I will ask who I am contemporarily courting, Alice."

"Poo, I knew that! What about you Eddie-kins?"

"It's _Edward_," he said. A stick had just been shoved up his pasty, white ass and he wasn't happy about it.

Emmett made a face. "_Oh, look at me, I'm _Edward, _and-"_

"I would appreciate it if you discontinued your nonsense."

"Okely-dokely, Jazzy-Jazz-Jazz! Anyway, who are ya going to ask, _Edward?"_

"Isn't it obvious?" he replied, glancing away from the TV to look at Emmett. "That ugly bitch who's with Alice and Rose all the time. I take her out to the dance then fuck her. Easy as pie."

"Poo, I knew that!" Emmett cried. "Jazzie, why am I talking like this?"

"Because this is a plank-fic, love, so of course you must speak similiar to a squealing five year old," Jasper said, looking up from his book momentarily.

"Yeah," Emmett said slyly "and since this is a plank-fic, Jazz, that means we also have to have mind-blowing sex with each other."

"That's true," Jasper agreed. "I am under the impression we will have to."

"_Edward_."

"Yes?"

x

Bella stared at herself in the mirror and burst out crying. She was fat and ugly, she knew, even though they had removed her disguise. The dress Alice had picked out for her was silver with a pale blue tint, matching the silver and light blue specks in her brown eyes. It was also very low cut- something she wouldn't normally have considered- and was short, revealing pale, smooth legs.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Rosalie asked.

"I'm so ugly and no one could ever want me!" she cried, choking on her tears. Rosalie wrapped her arms around Bella in a tight hug and patted her back comfortably. She said,

"That is untrue, darling, and you know it." She spun out of the hug, and admiring the two of them, she continued, "Because you're a Mary-Sue!"

"You are." Alice examined her closely, tilted her head sideways, and decided the dress was too long. She pulled out a pair of scissors and cut another two inches, and with her special powers, it looked professionally done. Her own dress was short, black and stunning, but not nearly as short or stunning as Bella's. _(Take that, bitch!)_ "And the dress is perfect on you!"

Bella's shoulders slumped. "But I can't afford it. It's over six-hundred dollars."

Alice grinned. "Don't worry about it. I conveniently have enough money for all of our dresses combined just for the ball! Now for the shoes..." Her voice trailed off as she rummaged through some shoe boxes. "Aha! Here are your shoes!" The shoes were silver too, and over ten inches high. Bella's stomach churned thinking of trying to walk in them. She would sure kill herself.

_Oh no!_

"Hey, where'd that italicized voice come from?"

"Never-mind that, Alice," she said, distressed, "because there is a _much_ bigger problem at hand!"

"What?"

"Well, you see-"

"Spit it out already," said Rosalie.

"_I was going to__!_" Bella screamed.

"Yeah, but-"

"Spit it out already!"

"But... I have a twenty-percent discount at Abrecrombie's!" Rosalie said triumphantly.

"WHAT?!" Alice and Bella cried in unison. "Well, then never-mind I'm being An-Attention-Whore, let's go!"

"Oh, and sweetie, we'll teach you how to walk sexily!" Alice told Bella quickly. "Come on!" And with that, the girls skipped off gaily into the sunset; their friendship so strong they pulled the sun down in order to use such a clichéd sentence. But as they took their first few steps, Bella tripped.

"Aw, poo!"

x

_**The next day... (was summarized)**_

The next day, the girls went to their favorite spa and relaxed as the technicians massaged their tensions away. Then they went to the salon and had highlights added to their hair, though none of them needed it. Once that was done, the girls stopped by Panara to eat lunch quickly, and went back to their rooms to have their manicure and pedicure party.

x

Once her nails were done, Bella quickly made an excuse to leave and get a breath of fresh air. The disguise was put back on, and Bella darted out of the room, glad to no longer be 'tortured'. She wasted no time in the hallways, preferring to be safe in her room before anyone would look at her and laugh.

She swung the door open, shut it with a slam, and flopped down on her bed. She hadn't noticed that The-Total-Hot-And-Sexy-Sex-God was in his room reading, because if she had, she probably would have made her entrance more graceful. (As if it could be more graceful!) At her arrival, The-Total-Hot-And-Sexy-Sex-God dropped his book and walked over to her. Bella felt her cheeks redden and she stared at her hands.

"Hello, unsightly beast." Edward Cullen was deigning to talk to her! She wasn't sure whether to laugh and cry. Edward Cullen was not only hot and sexy, but he was also shallow, arrogant, unkind, and an utter manwhore- everything Bella wanted in a man.

Bella blushed fiercely and wiped off some drool that had suddenly appeared. "Yes..."

"What is your name, repulsive girl?"

"B-B-Bella," she stuttered.

"Will you go to the masked ball with me? Never-mind that what I'm about to do is completely horrible and cruel- become a slut and I'm yours."

The temptation was enormous, but she couldn't accept. So she answered, "No. I-I'm sorry, but I'm not going."

"Come on, Bella."

"S-sorry."

x

**_The day before the dance..._**

_I hate my life._

Beep.

_I'm such a geek._

Beep.

_Fuck, I have to go. ttyl._

"Wake up, Bella!" Alice shouted.

"No..." Bella hid under the covers, trying to fall back asleep.

"Fine." That was suspicious. It was unlikely that Canon!Alice would say that, and it was out of the question that Plank!Alice would say that...

Bella jumped out of bed in a flash, soaked from head to toe in icy cold water that Alice had dumped on her, because Alice always had icy water sitting in a bucket. "ALICE!"

"Yes?"

"Never-mind," she muttered.

"Well, now that you're up, it's time to spend hours with me torturing you so you look prettier!"

"But I thought that I was already the most beautiful thing in the world and couldn't be made any prettier," Bella objected.

"Yeah, but this is a plank fic, darling, so I must give you a makeover just because you hate them."

"You're right," Bella said, and sighed. "I guess we'll have to, then."

x

**_Just before the masquerade..._**

"Okay," Rosalie said, flicking her hair back from her face, "just remember to _not trip_!"

"Thanks, darls, you're such great teachers!"

Rosalie and Alice had fulfilled their promises and taught Bella how to dance and walk sexily.

"Okay, Bella, now look in the mirror!" Alice said. Bella gazed at the mirror and gasped softly. She looked beautiful.

"Darling, you're gorgeous!" Rosalie cried, grabbing Bella's hands and spinning her in a circle. "Come, girls, let's go to the ball now." The trio hooked arms and skipped off to the dance.

The hallways were mostly clear; the students were too busy staring unabashedly at Bella in between Rosalie and Alice. Bella blushed at the attention and looked at her feet, which were gracefully falling and flying through the air. It felt wonderful to _fully_ be a Mary-Sue, without clumsiness to cover her utter perfection.

The masked ball was held in the masked ball room and _not_ the ball room, because everyone knew you couldn't host a masked ball in a ball room. When the girls entered, the whole school gasped and stopped what they were doing to stare again at Bella, having conveniently managed to make it there before the girls did. Rosalie and Alice suddenly departed with a quiet, "have fun, darl," and Bella was left under some spotlights in the middle of the room. There were a multitude of boys (and girls, of course!) to dance with, fifty tables and chairs to sit at, delicious food to eat, and twenty balconies where you could go and 'get a breath of fresh air'. Bella couldn't think of what to do.

Fidgeting, she made her way to a more secluded table in the corner of the room and sat down one of the plushy chairs. She tapped her fingers on the table and observed the scene before her. Rosalie and Alice were under the spotlights with their boyfriends, and a few other couples attempted dancing too. But they weren't nearly as dazzling as Bella's BFFL&Es. Over the course of two seconds, Bella was asked to dance by fifty different boys, but turned them all down, feverently hoping Edward Cullen would find her and ask to dance with her. He did, of course.

"Hello, Beautiful."

x

**_A dramatic pause..._**

"Hello, Beautiful," Edward said casually, walking up to the beauty who sat in the corner of the room. Her hair was a rich, dark brown (as rich as he was), her skin was paler than the moonlight, her lips and cheeks a faint pink, and her body had all the right curves in all the right places. But what was most striking about her was her gorgeous eyes; they were a beautiful chocolate brown. Edward's mouth watered at the thought of chocolate. Inside those brown beauties were silver, dark brown, light brown, black, sapphire, scarlet, gray, white, emerald, purple, gold, dark blue, and light blue specks.

"H-H-Hi," she stuttered beautifully, just like everything she did. Her cheeks acquired a darker shade of pink and she looked down at her lap. But Edward didn't want that. He lifted her chin with his finger, forcing her gaze up at him.

"I love you," he whispered, staring deeply into her chocolate brown eyes with silver, dark brown, light brown, black, sapphire, scarlet, gray, white, emerald, purple, gold, dark blue, and light blue specks.

"I love you too, Edward!" she cried. All of her previous pain and fear was suddenly gone and so Bella became a slut. The two quickly left the masked ball to go have sex. It was awesome because both Edward and Bella were very skilled at it, even though Bella had never had sex before. She inwardly applauded herself for reading all those books about it.

x

* * *

**A/N: Lydia: I had to write it again because Julianna is busy over the summer whereas I am not. I know I've quit flaming, but I haven't quit writing this parody. So, whad'ya think?**


	6. Teh Confrontation

Edward was not in a happy mood that morning. The girl he had slept with the night before was gone, _gone. _Gone before he could even ask her her name, which was odd seeing as he never did. Before now. What was it about her? Edward thought about this for a few moments and finally came to a conclusion: She was different.

He groggily got out of bed and his eyes found the ugly girl he shared a room with. He was a little irritated that he had to see that ugly face in the morning rather than the one from last night. But he made his way to the bathroom, somehow without knifing, raping, or beating her for no apparent reason.

His mood lightened when he heard that they would not be having classes for a few days because they couldn't maneuver around to their classes with eight inches of snow outside the building.

***

Bella's thoughts were not as disgusted as Edward's when she woke up in the morning. It was like a pleasant torture to have to share a room with a Greek god. It even reminded her of her old home, where she lived for cried all day and cut herself to sleep. The thoughts sent warm feelings up her side.

Bella looked at herself in the mirror, smiled, and decided to shed the disguise in front of Edward to show him her true self. It was a good thing her make-up always stayed perfect. Edward often spent time in Emmett's and Jasper's rooms, so she decided to look there first for him.

Many oohs and ahhs came from girls and boys as she wove threw the hallways. She was becoming more confident by the second, which for this poor, modest girl, was a good thing. However, when she reached the door, she hesitated before knocking. But the velvet voice (so velvety it had been tried to use as a blanket before) of Edward came into her mind and she knocked loudly on the door.

Edward sat in an armchair by the fireplace, quietly reading. He looked up from his book at the sound of the door opening and watched as Bella came through the door, without ever unlocking it.

"Ah, Bella," Edward drawled. "What a pleasant surprise." He picked himself off from the chair and walked over to Bella, who was blushing furiously from wanton lust- er, embarrassment.

"Uh, h-h-hi," she stammered, suddenly having a case of severe dysfluency.

In a few quick steps, Edward was standing a foot away from Bella. He leaned towards her and whispered, "I love you, Bella."

"Y-y-you love me?"

"Yes, I will you take up on my offer?"

Bella's mouth began forming the word 'yes' until a rather large stone came flying out of nowhere and hit her on the head. "YOU LOVE ME?!" she shrieked.

"Yes, I just said that." Edward took a step back; Bella's mood swing unsettling him. But she advanced on him and, to his surprise, began tearing off her clothes- no, not her clothes, something _under_ her clothes- her glasses, her hair, even her eyeballs. Edward was certain he was hallucinating because a faint golden mist swirled around her as this happened until he could no longer see her. And then, the mist disappeared to where it came from; nowhere.

And then Edward was gaping open-mouthed at the person in front of him.

"I can't believe I ever loved you!" Bella threw a book at him. "And to think I thought you loved me- that all the signs my counselor told me about were all there! BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A BET!" she screamed, for some reason knowing all about his bet.

"Well, you said you loved me, but you were just about to have sex with another guy!" Edward shot back.

"You filthy player!" Bella screamed.

"Dirty whore!"

"Lying slimeball!"

"Slut!" yelled Edward.

Tears running down her face in a waterfall, (like her wavy hair) she threw open the door and ran down the halls until she was back in her room again. The poor, unlucky girl locked herself in the bathroom to cry because she was a poor unlucky girl who had the worst luck in life. Alas, she was but a victim of misfortune. Is that clear??

Later, Bella heard the door open and close once but made no move to leave. Her head was spinning and her vision was blurred from crying.

"You're going to have to face him sooner or later," she told herself. So she dried her eyes and quietly opened the bathroom. Before the author had to write any descriptions, there was a loud knock on the door. Bella walked over to the door and opened it slowly.

"Headmaster Dumbledore!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

He ignored her question and instead asked, "Is Mr. Cullen here?"

"Yes." The headmaster Dumbledore signaled for her to let him in and he walked to the middle of the room.

"Mr. Cullen." Edward sat up from where he was positioned on the bed, shocked. Dumbledore's eyes were blazing. Literally, his eyebrows were catching on fire. "It has come to my attention that the two of you have been name-calling each other, so I have devised a punishment for the two of you. I had given you the privilege of having your own separate beds, but now I realize this was a silly mistake of me. You two will both have to sleep in the same bed from now on, as sleeping together will obviously solve the problem."

Bella gasped. "But, Headmaster, I can't stand him!"

"No buts, Miss Swan. I don't want to hear anything from either of you!" Then, with the flick of his wand, both beds merged into one and the headmaster left the room.

***

"Oh, great, now look what you've done," Edward snarled.

"Don't you get all in my face like that, this ain't my fault, mmm hmmm."

Bella got ready for bed in the bathroom and then walked over to their bed. She paused before it, thinking of how it might work. Glancing up, she saw Edward in his towel, his chest bare because his towel was wrapped around his waist. He had a fifty-two pack and was very muscular (though not too muscular). Edward was also an asshole, pervert, and a filthy player. It was a sight any girl would die for.

"What are we going to do?" Edward asked, scratching his head.

"I don't know!" Bella cried.

"Okay, we must think logically. There is a couch against the wall over there, seventeen sleeping bags in the closet, four pillows, and one very soft carpet we're standing on."

"So we're going to have to share a bed, then."

"I'm afraid so," replied Edward.

So Edward and Bella both quietly slipped under the covers and fell asleep together.

* * *

**We really have no excuse for why this is so late. Again, Julianna was supposed to write this but I finally decided to take it on and do it myself. I promise the next one will be out sooner. Enjoy! - Lydia**


	7. TEH CONTEST!

When Bella woke up, she was happy. Bella's dream during the night (as usual) consisted of Edward, a jar of Nutella, and a five star hotel room. That pleasurable feeling in her tummy disappeared once she woke up, realizing she was sleeping next to an arrogant, bullying toerag, that was horrible, a player, a man-whore, an asshole, a bastard, and the sexiest sexgod _aallllllliiiiiivvvvveeee_.

NO. She couldn't think like that. She was a pure, virginal angel; he was an evil, hot manslut!!! They were never meant to be!!!! He was a bad boy, she was a good girl- and it was just be far to cliche for them together!!! At this thought, she nearly started crying, but alas, she was brave from suffering so many hardships. She seemed immune to sadness, just like she was immune to ugliness.

I will be happy from now on, she vowed, and reached for a knife, as she always had one handy, to crave those words into her skin. "This will certainly make happy!" she said.

As she reached gracefully like a swan (HAHAHAHA!!! GEDDIT?!?!?!!) for the knife, she saw Edward and nearly cried. He was so perfect, and she was not, and they would never be. "Oh, woe is moi," she said tearfully in French (because she was fluent in French as well German, Italian, Chinese, Russian, Swedish, Dutch, Greek, Korean, Japanese, Spanish, Portuguese, and Xhosa) as she sat up to go to take a bath (to cut herself some more and go drown herself.)

But, alas, she could not. For Professor Dumbledore had visited them during the night and duck taped them together. Bella could not move with out waking up Teh-Sex-G0d from his peaceful slumber, and she could not bear to face him now, when she had just so wrongfully shouted at him last night.

* * *

Now that Edward had discovered Bella was actually good looking, he loved her, with all his heart and all his body (especially his body it seemed, because he had quite graphic dreams last night). No longer was he shallow or arrogant or mean, he was a new person.

He was so upset that he shoved her out of the bed, surprising her, and went in the bathroom to take an extremely cold shower. He was so sad he didn't even notice the duck tape, but it didn't matter, because he was so h0tt that he managed to rip apart the tape. However, the whole time he was thinking about Bella, and his attempts of calming his manhood down did not work.

When Edward went out of the shower, he looked at himself. By God, he was attractive. He examined himself from all angles and whistles. If he weren't straight, he would probably bein love with himself. Not that he could blame his gay!self. Like wow. Seriously.

Putting on his clothes, he hurried and opened the door. Bella wasn't in there. Dammit, Edward thought, she is one of those people who could actually date me. Scowling in the irrestiable way he did. His feet led him to the door and headed out in the direction his brothers' room. However, he got an eyeful of a surprise.

Tanya Emerald Hannel Sapphire Selena Terry Ursa Princess Irina Dame Luscious Una Tambourine(TEHSTUPIDSLUT, but she preferred just Tanya) was sitting in the hallway. "Eddie-poo! I've missed you so much!" she squealed. She was supposed to come back to Teh Awsum Academi a week ago from Hawaii, but she usually stayed at the airport having "fun" with some guys in a storage closet.

Tanya flicked back her long strawberry-blonde hair with streaks of silver, hair and leapt into Edward's arms. She flicked back her long hair and purred like a cat. "Eddie, have you missed me?"

Ugh, that stupid nickname. They met when he was raping her, back when he was an even worse of a person (but still super sexy). Afterwards, she came into his bedroom at night after finding out his name and they had sex again. They were dating ever since. But now he had met Bella, he wanted to end it with her, because honestly, Bella was probably just as good as giving blowjobs as Tanya was, and that is what relationships are for, right? But seeing her looking like a slight made his "Little Eddie" flare, so maybe he should stick with her after all. Perhaps a threesome?

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call you that? And how many times do I have to say this in fics like this?" He scratched his head, confused (poor Edward, math never was his best subject).

* * *

Finding their shared room empty, Bella decided to visit Emmett and Jasper, where Rosalie and Alice would most likely be (so they could take about guys, like totally yeah.)

After strutting down the hallways being a whore, she turned the knob slowly to create a slow, suspenseful mood. The door opened slowly (again) and she gasped at what she saw. Some second-rate diva was mentally stripping her Edward. She was the most beautiful person she had ever seen- and knotted in Edward's arms. She had dark, sapphire eyes that changed color in the light, and hair that rivaled even Bella's. It was still snowing, in fact there was now ten feet- whoops, inches of snow, but she still wore a tight gold tank top, a black leather skirt, and otter-fur boots. Bella's eyes narrowed when she saw this, for she wore the exact same thing only with beaver-fur (because otter-fur is no where near as kewl as beaver fur!), only she didn't look like a slut.

Edward's eyes flicked over to where Bella stood, dropping Tanya. Tanya stripped off her shirt, but Bella proceeded to out-whore her without even taking hers off. Edward's eyes remained on Bella and he had to resist the urge of raping her.

Now that he had his Bella, he wanted to end it with Tanya, because he was no longer a shallow, arrogant son of a bitch who only liked people for their skillz-that-killz at sex. And besides, Bella didn't even have to try to be good at it.

He cried, "Belllaaaa!"

Bella swayed her hips like a pro, walking right up to him and sitting on his lap. Tanya scowled, but both of them ignored her.

"Why are you wearing such, unrevealing things?" he whispered smexily to her, his mouth touching her ear. "Take it off!"

She nearly did take her shirt off, but stopped herself in time. She suddenly hated Edward with so much passion! Obviously, the author did this to create Sexual Tension, like yeahz, but Bella simply hated Edward because he was no his. She cleared her throat. "No, I ain't gonna do what ya fukin' tell me to do, ya motherfuker! I ain't standin' for this shit anymore, mm mmmm."

Bella turned around to make a dramatic exit, be walking through the closed door, but she paused when Edward shouted back. "WELL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY, YOU BEOTCH! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PRUDE, LIKE YOU ARE!"

Bella's eyes narrowed angrily. "What you talkin' 'bout, fool? I ain't no prude, mm mmmm. I toyed around alla time at my ol' place. And those lil' fellas over there want to get it on wit me right now, uh huhhh! You're the fuckin' prude, I ain't no prude!"

"NO WAY!"

"Unnnnhuh, honey."

"Nuunnnhun!"

"Motherfuckin' -"

"SILENCE!"

Bella and Edward were afraid it was Headmaster Dumbledore, yet secretly hoping it was him so he could force them to have sex or something like that. Actually, it was Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett. Jasper was yelling, "Phlegmatic taciturnity!"

"How did you get here? It's like, blizzard-ing," Edward asked, suddenly calm.

"Duh, we apparated," Emmett said. "Bro."

"Back to the more pressing matter," Alice sang, "I have the answer to all your problems."

"What problems?" Edward and Bella yelled. They glared furiously at each other.

"Who is a bigger prude, of course!" Alice sang.

"What?!"

"A contest, of course!" Alice sang (again). "Basically, whoever can have sex with the most amount of different people in the next month, until February the fourteenth, wins, of course!"

The silence was so loud that crickets chirped.

"That's a brill' idea, Ali!" cried Bella, hugging Alice. Before she could say anymore, a tall, dark, handsome man appeared at the door.

"I would love to help you out with this contest, Bells," the man said in a deep, velvety voice that was not as velvety as Edward's.

"JACOB?!?!" Bella cried.

**Then everything went black**

* * *

**A/N: **Does the underlines/caps/exclamation points hurt your eyes? It hurt mine while I was writing this. And yes, it is Julianna, back from the dead. I'll be writing more consistly now, and Lydia and I will be doing another joint chapter next time. And yes, we will post it soon. Liketotallyyeah, Lolcatz! (I have sadly seen a character say that is a "legit" story.)


	8. Teh game begins!

**Woo-hoo! This is the longest chapter yet, and one of the best, I think, and Lydia agrres. :) We wrote this together, and the next chapter, which will hopefully be published in three weeks, will be written by me. Enjoy!  
****Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight, and if we did, we would be ashamed to admit it.  
****P.S Yes, we added James. And yes, he'll be a rapist. **

* * *

The rules were printed very precisely in dark ink on a long sheet of paper rolled in a scroll. If Bella, Rosalie, and Alice were to shag fifty people before the boys: Emmett, Jasper, and Edward, then Edward signed to stop chasing after her. If the boys won, though, she would have to agree to stop hatin' on him and become his girlfriend.

"Wait a moment!" exclaimed Emmett . They all waited a moment, but Emmett didn't respond. He was too busy watching the light flicker.

"What is is, bro?" Edward said. Emmett still didn't respond, as he was now too busy gazing at a butterfly.

"My incentous love," Jasper said, "what has discombobulated your unenlightened, vacuous apperception?"

"OH YEAH!!!!!!" Emmett, once again, screaming. "Why da hell is Teh Contest 'bout Eddie getting Bells if they were first not agreeing about who was who was teh bigger prude?!?!?"

Everyone else slowly digested this statement (and their lunch). Finally, they all laughed as one. "My darling," Jasper soothed, "this allegory is a Plank!fic. The plot line sonorously will be incomprehensible!"

Emmett started too whine, but got to distracted by the the ice cream man jiggle.

* * *

The girls were huddled in the opposite corner from where the boys stood waiting.

"Are you sure you want to this, darls'? You don't have to, you know. I can clobber him anytime, anywhere," said Bella, staring at the neat paper in front of her. "If I do this, you do this too."

"Of course, we will." Alice smiled. "You're much more important than us, being a Mary Sue and all."

"But what about Emmett and Jasper? If we do this, you can't just have sex with them and give them points," Bella pointed out.

"I know. Obviously, I'm in. Let's face it, I've been the school's slut since I first met you guys. Plus, I've never wanted to out-slut Emmett more in my entire life." Rosalie grinned mischievously. "'Course I'm in."

"Alice?" Bella made no motion to deny this, and looked at Alice's face for confirmation. She nodded.

"Hell yeahz totally LOLZ! This will be so much fun!!!"

Emmett called out from the other side of the room. "Have you made your decision?"

Suddenly, Bella's confidence soared (though it was really only Slut!Bella taking over.) "Oh, yes."

* * *

The girls were ready to leave and prepare for school, when Edward barred Bella from leaving with his finger. Emmett and Jasper had already left. Her two BFFLAL+E's yeahz! looked back questioningly, to see if it was okay, and nodded when Bella dipped her own head (in ranch).

The door clanged shut, the nosie bouncing around the room. Edward took a deep breath. "Look, Bella. I love you. I've loved you the minute I set eyes on your face, even though I thought it was hideously ugly. Obviously, that's why I'm about to have sex with fifty other girls- because I want to be with _you_."

Bella swooned romantically into his open arms. "That's so romantic, Edward," she said as he traced a finger down her jawline. She pressed her lips to his and fainted.

"I love you, too, Edward."

Then she brought her arm back and slapped him. Like, hard. "Hey! What was that for?" Edward cried.

"I don't know!" Bella shrieked, flailing out of the room.

* * *

"All right, hold still, Bella," said Alice, applying a coat of blueberry blue sapphire cerulean navy azure lip gloss to Bella's lips, because blue-ish lips were oh-so fashionable. The three girls were getting ready for school, which had finally continued after the snow melted miraculously overnight. Spring had also come during the night, which was why they were all wearing skirts one inch long. (Bella had refused to one inch in the winter- at least _two _inches in winter. But since spring had come, she readily agreed to it.)

Luckily, school started at 10:00 am, so they wouldn't have dark circles under their eyes in order to get ready. The slu- girls, had curled their hear beautfully and applied just the right colors of eyeshadow to be absolutely slu-, irresistable.

Currently, the girls wore seven-inch high heels, skirts, revealing shirts, jewelry, and ehem, underwear, _of course, _against the now non-existant school rules. They had decided to wear three colors- Bella, blue; Rosalie, red; and Alice, black 'cuz it's totally c00ll, PIZZAZ! and does not make them look like kindergartners at all.

At least they wore clothing this time.

Propped up against the opposite wall was a board with columns and rows that were empty, to everyone's surprise. The girls and not even the boys had shagged someone in the early hours of the morning, so the girls were ready to make their move. They had to fuck someone for at least six minutes for it to count, though they had to be of the opposite gender (to Emmett's disappointment), and every time this happened, a tally would magically appear on the teams' count. By Dumbledore's interference, of course_ (the old rascal!)._

Bella, Rosalie, and Alice strutted out of their room and found their way to their first period class. It was a coincidence, _of course_, that all six of the members of the game had the exact same schedule.

Inside the English classroom, their teacher with an unimportant last name, which the author hadn't decided was male or female, waited expectantly for the bell to signal the start of class. Some students gawked the three boys' and three girls' astounding beauty, drooling over their utter perfection, as most teenagers tend to act like this when they see a beautiful person.

As the boring teacher talked about boring stuff, Rosalie was having sex in the back with a student named Joe Bob John. The teacher, for some reason, did not notice the moans coming from the corner. Alice flirted with another teacher _(bonus points for her!) _that happened to be in the room and Edward was trying to seduce two girls. Bella was making her way towards Jacob because he was now enrolled in Teh Awsum Academi, obviously. Meanwhile, Emmett and Jasper were making out furiously, oblivious to everyones' raised eyebrows.

By the time first period was over, the count was Girls: 2, from Rosalie and Bella, and the Boys: 2, from Edward with the two girls for a threesome.

* * *

By lunch, the score was Boys: 5, Girls: 6. Edward had gotten two more, one of them being a teacher and the other one being some random student, and Emmett had gotten one, too- the captain of the women's football team. Jasper was too busy "playing" with his calculator to get any.

"Dude," Emmett said, sometime between his seventh giant slice of pizza. "Do we, like, have to get 50 all together? Or 50 each, like, Bro-yo-yo?"

"I don't know," Edward said delicately, dabbing the corners of his mouth with a handkerchief. "The author may change it at anytime, but 50 each, probably, because she will want the story to be long as possible."

"Synchronously," Jasper snorted, completely ignoring his lunch, instead punching numbers on to his calculator. "At this pernicity, I excogitate that we will have each breeded with five-zero females in approximately six-point three five days."

"Jazz," said Edward, his voice sounding pained. "I gotta win this contest. And you can't get any girls but being, well, yourself!"

"Yes, I can," Jasper sniffed, upset. Then, as to prove his point, he grabbed some nerd on the Math Counts team from her lunch table, and the proceed to have sex in a classroom, reading his book as he did.

"Kinky," said a munching Emmett. "Say, how do you multiple two numbers?"

* * *

At the Girl's Lunch Table, they were discussing strategy. Their lunches laid push off to the side, forgotten, because if they ate, they wouldn't be aneroxic. "Anyway," Rosalie said, "we need to plan out which boys we are going to fuck, because we can't reuse them, 'cause they won't count as score."

"Yes, we can," Alice sang. "Two girls can have one guy- not at once," she clarified, at Rosy's and Bells' astonised (but secretly excited) glances. "But you know, we can reuse them."

"That's good," Bella said, clasping her hands together. "But we have to make sure they know we don't actually like them- just need them for sex. We don't want them thinking they can get _us._"

Rosalie and Alice nodded. "So," Bella continued. "Which guys do you get?"

"Well, I got a teacher, a lax player, and a pedophile," Rosy said, as Alice and Bella applauded at her impressive list. "I know Bella only got Jacob-"

"Yeah, sorry about that. But man, he is so good at-"

"Anyway, I know Bella did Jacob, so Alice, whaja get?"

"Oh, two random boys from the hall. Anybody know their names?"

* * *

After Lunch, there was break. Basically, it was "recess", that lasted until 3:48, and after that, the students had class for two minutes, and after that, they just went and got drunk/laid. During break, people just lounged around on beaches (the campus was like, on the beach. didn't you know?!?!) and got drunk/laid, mostly at the same time. But because "the crew" (which consisted of Bells, Rosy, Alice, Jazzy, Emmie, and Eddie, but the author shortened them to "the crew" because typing "Bells, Rosy, Alice, Jazzy, Emmie, and Eddie" took _way _too long) were very good, pure students, they didn't drink. They did have sex though.

Alice had the decency to go behind a sand dune with some guy (this time she knew his name!), but people still noticed anyway. At least, they would have, but Rosalie was have sex with some surfer dude right in the center of the beach, so everyone could see, and she was inviting as many guys to join in (to get points, duh). Meanwhile, Bella was trying to get Jacob to go away, so she could join the action.

"I told you already, I have to go for this contest. Why don't you understand?!?!"

"I do, Bells," Jakey replied, holding her hand and getting down on one knee. "It's just that, I have to ask you something. Will you-"

Whatever he was going to say (it probably wasn't important anyway), he was interrupted by a very loud _purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr_. Tanya was sitting on Edward's lap, arms entangled in his, and they were murmuring to each other like lovers. At least, Tanya was acting like a lover, Edward was just concerned about getting laid. But still, they were next to each other, acting like sex-buddies.

Bella was furious. It didn't matter when Edward slept with ten other girls today, but it matter VERY VERY MUCH when Tanya was the one he was with. After all, she and Tanya were _enemies._ She loved Edward so much, so obviously, Bella had to prove that she was just a whorish as him (and Tanya).

Then, there he was- the solution to all of Bella's problems, the way to win Eddie's heart back, the way to crush all of Tanya's hope. Sitting there was_ James_.


	9. Teh Herioc Rescue!

**Chapter Nine **

James was almost as good as Edward, but not quite. He was almost as attractive as Edward, almost as good in bed, and almost as dazzling and sparkly as him. Because of Edward's was much better, James positively hated him. Edward, on the other hand, didn't really care about James. At least, not until now.

Edward was in the middle of a fantastic session when he turned his head (intent on biting Tanya's neck) and saw Bella sexily strutting over . Her hips were swaying, and she was sucking on a Popsicle. Before he could even ponder where she had gotten the fruity desert from ("I want one!" screamed Emmet), something un-be-li-eve-able happened.

Bella was not walking over to him, but walking past him, towards James!

This could not happen. No way. It didn't matter if Bella slept with any other guy, but James, was well... (his love partner.. no kidding) James. (?) He really didn't understand why he suddenly detested James, he just did. Edward was about to stand about and beat every sorry bone in his now-nemesis's body, but before he did, Tanya did something incredibly with her hips.

Mhmm... maybe he'd go later.

* * *

As Bella sat on James' lap, staring into his blue eyes, she tried to concentrate on what was happening, instead of Edward's bare back. After she had seduced- erm, politely asked if she could sleep with him, James insisted they have sex on the beach, in front of everyone. Even though Alice and Rosalie were doing them same, Isabella felt a bit insecure doing this so...publicly. What if she looked slutty? Edward was so dignified and modest, that he was now having fun behind a sand dune, so spectators could only see his bare back.

On the bright side, it encouraged loads of guys (and girls) to join in, equaling more points. Bella was about to get it on with some hot, green-haired guy when James pulled her back.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, prying off his fingers. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't escape. "Let me go!"

"No," he said, forcefully pushing her to her knees. "YOU'RE MINE!" Meanwhile, the giant orgy party pulsed around them, all of the other people preoccupied with other people. James evilly twirled his moustache and laughed. He kissed her hard and rough, then squeezed her hard enough to leave a bruise.

"STOP IT!" Bella screamed desperately. "HELP! HELP! HE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!" But even though they were right next to her, no one notice.

No one noticed, except for one man.

* * *

Edward was inside Tanya when he heard the most horrible sound of his life."STOP IT!" a voice screamed desperately. "HELP! HELP! HE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!"

It was his one and only love! His damsel in distresses, clearly in distress, crying out for her hero to save her! Edward pulled Tanya off him and ran heroically towards the scene of crime.

Bella was flailing her arms helplessly, while James stood in front of her and continued to laugh maniacally. The bystanders had just began to notice the scene, but most of them just continued to have sex. The other ones stood in the sidelines, not sure what to do. Although she could have easily hurt James (by kicking him; legs are powerful weapons), he kept on laughing and began to bite her neck.

* * *

It was all over in a moment, Edward rugby-tackled James, punched him in the face, and then tossed Bella on to his shoulder. "Oh Edward," she said with a soft, southern belle accent. "Oh darling, you rescued me!" She covered his face in kisses.

Edward allowed the affection to continue for a moment, before he tackled her on the ground, and started grabbing her body. They had sex (while onlookers applauded and woof-whistled), before they put on their clothes again and grabbed the "gang".

"So," Alice chirped as she delicately sipped her wine. "I trust that everyone had a fun and productive afternoon?"

Emmet grunted and then manly chugged down his beer. Jasper nodded and pushed his glassed up the bridge of his nose. Bella and Edward stared dreamily at each other. Rosalie had jumped out the window to seduce a British passbyer.

"Well," Edward said, grinning stupidly at Bella. "Except for that one minuscule event, I think Bella and I had a great afternoon. Isn't that right, love?" The new couple proceeded to make kissy faces at each other.

"Ya guys are like disgustedly sweet." Emmet put down his beer with a clank, and belched. "Just bang her already, dude."

Edward stopped cooing at Bella and frowned. "Hey, are you supposed to be sugar-high and squeally? Why are you all manly?"

Emmet eat his ribs and continued to talk (while chewing!), and said, "That was last chapter. Get with the program, Bro. Now hand me the fries."

"Anyway," Alice interrupted. "How many points did you guys get? I got eight- I think Rosalie got ten- oh make that eleven. Bella did you only get one?"

"Yes." She giggled breathlessly, and played with Edward's hair.

Edward laughed. "It amuses me," he murmured, "that the only people that try to have sex with you are me and a rapist."

Bella pulled away. "Excuuuuuuuse me? Whatchoo tryin' to imply, foo'? That Ima prude?"

Edward chortled and put his hand on her cheek, which she slapped away. "No, love. Just that you're so beautiful I'm surprised no one else tried to rape you, obviously."

Bella snapped her fingers in a z-formation. "Mmhmm, you ain't foolin' me. You is tryin' to imply I'm uglay. Well, I ain't no second-rate diva to take this. Ima outta here." And with that, she left, jumping out the window, presumably to join Rosalie and the lucky British man.

Alice would have offered support, but she was to busy obsessing over online- shopping deals. Emmett would have laughed at Edward, but he was too busy watching football. And Jasper would have said something smart, but he was too busy reading about the trade passages in the east.

So Edward left sadly, and had some comfort sex with Tanya before moping some more.

* * *

That night, he quietly entered his room, which Bella was already in. He was exhausted and depressed, and would have probably cuddled with Bella, had she not been sleeping and extremely mad at him. He should have probably gone to sleep too, but he didn't. Instead, he just sat on her bed, and romantically watched her sleep.

* * *

**Next chapter up soon!**


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